January 12, 2025— Marriage is a blessing from God and is meant to be sacred. Jesus told the Pharisees that when a man and a woman are married, they become one flesh. Jesus also said, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6).
No matter where you are in your marriage, if you need pre-marital (or pre-wedding) counseling, marriage counseling, or are looking to strengthen your marriage, you have come to the right place. To understand Christian roles in marriage, let’s dive into Scripture and lean onto the Lord, our God.
The Divine Design for Marriage
According to Genesis 1, God created everything in six days. God saw that each creation was good at the end of each day. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit made man on the sixth day. When God created Adam, He realized it was not good for man to be alone, so God made a helper (Genesis 2:20). That helper was Eve, the woman who would become Adam’s wife. Once they were joined as husband and wife, they became one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Initially, God’s intention for marriage is sacred, between one man and one woman.
The Role of the Husband
Before engaging in pre-Christian marriage or couples counseling, it is essential to note the role a husband plays to his wife. Ephesians 5:25-28 stresses loving their wife. In addition, the husband is the provider and protector of the family.
When addressing Timothy, Paul said that men must provide for his household; if he fails to do so, he denies the faith and becomes an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). Meanwhile, the role of protector is obvious in Ephesians 5:25, where Paul reminds us that husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church, and He died for the church.
Finally, Christian husbands are to be “with understanding, giving honor to the wife” (1 Peter 3:7). If husbands do not honor their wives, their prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
The Role of the Wife
Women are to be respectful (Ephesians 5:33) and submissive (obedient) (Ephesians 5:22) to their husbands. This does not mean a wife cannot have thoughts or opinions. Put simply, it means the wife displays her thoughts methodically and respectfully. Christian wives should have a gentle and quiet spirit, which is considered precious to God (1 Peter 3:4). In personality, wives must be discreet, chaste, and good (Titus 2:5). Regarding the home, the wife is responsible as a homemaker (Titus 2:5).
Proverbs 12:4 reminds us that a wife is the crown of her husband’s head, but a shameful wife is compared to rot in the bones. In Genesis, wives are helpers to their husbands (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, a wife must build her husband and support him in the couple's goals. She is not to be a hindrance to him.
Mutual Submission and Partnership
In the household, the wife and husband are equal. Otherwise, they would not be one flesh as Adam and Eve were (Genesis 2:24). Yes, the Holy Bible talks about the husband being the head of the wife, but let’s compare this to the Trinity.
The Holy Spirit submits to Jesus, and Jesus submits to God. Also, God sends a message to Jesus, Who sends it to the Holy Spirit. They submit to one another and glorify one another. The exception is God, for He is the head of the Godhead. This is similar to how a husband and wife should be to one another.
A Word on Submission
There are people, Christians even, who think that submission is archaic or forced. However, submission is mutually and willfully consented, and once executed in this manner, the marriage changes for the better.
Is Divorce Right for Christian Marriages?
When the Pharisees questioned Jesus, they asked Him if a man could divorce his wife for any reason. Jesus responded:
And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6
The dialogue continued, and the Pharisees asked why Moses granted divorce certificates. Jesus reminded them of the Scripture:
He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:8-9
Moreover, the Holy Bible teaches us that our hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Perhaps you or your spouse committed adultery and are looking for Christian marital counseling. Should you divorce your spouse? From what Jesus said in Matthew 19:9, obtaining a divorce seems clear at first glance. But pay close attention here. Divorce was not the way of the Lord from the beginning.
Moreover, when a woman is thrown at Jesus for being caught in the act of adultery, the people accusing her want to stone her. What did Jesus do? He addressed them, saying, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” (John 8:7). One by one, they left being convinced by their guilty conscience. When all had left, except for the woman and Jesus, Jesus encouraged her, saying He did not condemn her and told her to sin no more (John 8:11). Jesus does not chase her husband and tell him to file for a divorce. Nor does He tell her that she should get a divorce. Instead, He forgives her and tells her to sin no more.
A Word on Adultery and Common Issues Facing Christian Marriages:
There is a lesson to be learned from the dialogue with the Pharisees (as described above). The lesson brings about the biblical view of marriage. If a spouse commits adultery, the offending partner must immediately stop their sin. The couple must build up their marriage again, address issues, have open communication, and work on trust. The heart of the cheating spouse has been hardened against his or her partner. The couple needs to determine why. From my experience as a pastor’s wife, here are common issues in Christian marriages arranged in no particular order:
Lack of Intimacy and/or Affection/Attention- The Bible is clear, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3). If your marriage is lacking in intimacy, your marriage is in danger of falling.
Finances- Isaiah 55:2 says:
“Why do you spend money for what is not bread, And your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good And let your soul delight itself in abundance.”
Your earnings as a couple should finance your lifestyle. However, your lifestyle shouldn’t be so out of hand that it becomes unmanageable, stressful, or time-consuming. By time-consuming, I mean spending precious time away from your spouse (and children, if you have any).
Lack of Communication- Your spouse needs your undivided attention on critical topics and issues facing your marriage at least once a day if not more. Such topics and issues can be positive or negative. James 1:19-20 advises communication as a Christian, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Lack of Respect- Paul reminds us of Christian biblical duties in Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Paul speaks to the husband's duty in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,...”. Both the husband and the wife need to respect one another.
New Creation- Sometimes, Christians forget that old things have passed away, and they became a new creation when they accepted Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:17). As a result, they dwell in their past; Traumas from childhood emerge in adulthood. We must leave these things behind. Remember, God called you out of the darkness (1 Peter 2:9). He does not want you to be held captive there.
Is Christian Marriage Counseling Right for You?
If you face common issues in your Christian marriage, as identified above, it is worth your time to address and fix the problems. If your issues are so deep that you cannot fix them yourself, contact the Christian marriage counselor near you—the Holy Spirit. You can also go to someone with a theology or psychology degree or turn to your pastor. But why not consult the very Spirit of Jesus first? As a born-again Christian, the Holy Spirit abides within you. Speak with the Holy Spirit and get closer to God. If further assistance is needed, seek a Christian marriage counselor near you.
Conclusion
Marriage, as designed by God, is a sacred covenant that reflects His love and purpose for humanity. Through Scripture, we see that the roles of husbands and wives are not just duties but divine callings meant to nurture love, respect, and unity in the home. While challenges such as intimacy issues, financial stress, or lack of communication may arise, God provides guidance through His Word and the Holy Spirit to strengthen and restore marriages.
The biblical foundation for marriage emphasizes mutual respect, submission, and love—qualities that allow couples to grow closer to each other and God. By embracing these principles and seeking counsel when needed, couples can overcome hardships and thrive in their union.
As Jesus teaches, forgiveness and repentance are essential to healing wounds and renewing marriages. Let us remember that, in marriage, two become one flesh—a profound mystery that mirrors Christ’s relationship with the church.
May your marriage be a blessing to you and your family and a reflection of God’s glory. In Jesus’s name, Amen!
Accepting Jesus
If you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, I invite you to do so now. Jesus Christ is the Son of God who came in the flesh. Being innocent, Jesus died on the cross to pay the price of your sin. Three days later, Jesus Christ was resurrected in the flesh. Walking in the resurrected body for 40 days, Jesus ascended to the right hand of God. If you have not accepted Jesus Christ, I invite you to do so now. All it takes is saying this prayer aloud:
God, I confess that Jesus came in the flesh and blood, paid the price for my sins, died on the cross, rose on the third day, ascended to the heavens, and sent the Holy Spirit to help me understand Your ways. For that, I accept Jesus Christ as my savior and Lord, and I welcome the Holy Spirit in my life. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen!
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